Reflections on unemployment 2: It makes you moody.

No real datasets were harmed during the making of this graphic.

"Shopping for jobs" is the way I usually describe interviewing. You fancy moving on, you get to go and visit a few different companies, meet some new people, learn about how they do things - and decide whether that job would be a good move in your career. It's good fun!

Usually, however, I'm employed when I'm looking to move on.

So, how did interviewing feel when I was unemployed? Awful!

It's amazing the difference really needing a job makes. You go into every interview with a bunch more nerves and it's hard to sell yourself as a mature, senior, candidate when it feels like every answer you give has a tinge of desperation in its tone.

Without beating about the bush, this meant I underperformed in several interviews. Which leads to a feeling that I've let myself down, which makes me feel I've let my family down and...it's a pretty vicious circle.

As always in life, I try my best to do what Taylor Swift tells me to, so I attempted to "shake it off"...but as the weeks went on, I became very aware that I was becoming moody and experiencing highs and lows more extreme than usual. OK, let's face it, just lows.

Another thing I always do is follow data. So at a point I thought it would be interesting to start collecting data on my mood. Not wanting to complicate things, I simply reflected at the end of each day and gave myself an overall "mood score" for that day out of 10.

In addition, I'd write a brief sentence offering context to that score.

Results

I intended to show a snazzy graph here, but the data doesn't really lend itself to that. Thankfully I got a job relatively quickly after starting to record, so I only have a month or so of data - and I was on holiday for some of that time. So instead of a graph, I'll share a couple of observations and narrative:

Lowest score recorded was 2/10.

Hearing that you've not got a job you feel excited about and believe you're qualified to do sucks. Mix that up with a bad day at home, tough time with the kids or whatever else is going on, and it can be really awful.

Highest score recorded was 8/10.

I found it interesting that somewhere along the line I actually got a new gig lined up - but evidently getting good news didn't elevate my spirits as much as getting bad news deflated them. This may well be related to:

Anxiety is a lot.

Anxiety was mentioned a lot. Even when I'd received good news, or felt I was in the right direction, anxiety still pulled my scores down. "A lot can still go wrong", "what if I mess up the next round" etc.

Life feels flat.

I felt like unemployment cast a veil over life and made everything a little dimmer. I had my birthday during this time and my comment read "Nice day for my birthday, but it felt like a bit of a slog". Even things that should have been fun got a little tainted with guilt for enjoying myself, or anxiety about spending money, or I failed to enjoy them just because I was distracted. Either just thinking about "job stuff" or actually being half-present while fiddling with my phone.

Holidays really help.

I guess this isn't rocket science when you think about it, but a good break away from the hunt was really beneficial for my mental health. Job hunting can feel like a thankless treadmill - so just stepping off for a few days was really restorative. Feeling confident is important when interviewing, so it's worth making sure you have time out to recharge when spirits get low.

Further thoughts

I'm really thankful that I didn't have to collect more data on this subject. But part of me would be interested to see what happened next, what trends could be identified etc. Without more data to hand, I can offer a couple of thoughts just from how I felt things were going.

It was getting worse the more time went on.

Let's face it, nobody really enjoys rejection that much. You can rationalise it as much as you want, especially in the competitive market we currently find ourselves. But, fundamentally, when someone tells you you're not good enough to work for them - it hurts. And you carry that hurt with you into the next interview, and it adds up. Anxiety gets worse. Confidence dips. I fully believe that my mood scores would have continues to decline the longer my unemployment went on.

There was more need to manage my mood.

I'm blessed to have an endlessly patient wife and two lovely daughters...but you can't just keep being grumpy and miserable to the people you love. So I was becoming more aware of the need to actively manage my mood:

Give structure to the day.
Try and progress something other than job hunting, try to make something happen for myself.
Get out of the house, do something different.
Lean on positive habits. Exercise, reading, looking after myself.
Stop doom scrolling job boards. There are no new jobs in the last 20 minutes.

Time for a happy ending

You'd like to think, wouldn't you, that after all the trials of unemployment, you'd end up with a massive high, a colossal surge of endorphins making you feel awesome? After all, LinkedIn is veritably awash with people announcing how "thrilled" they are to start a new role, how they're "so happy!" to be taking the next steps etc.

I honestly didn't see it that way. Yes, I was excited to be starting something new. But relief was certainly the overarching feeling when I found a job. And then the anxiety. Can I put myself back together again and actually go start a new job feeling confident, like my best self, after months of having my confidence beat down?

Of course, in reality, I'm awesome...and it didn't take me long to remember that, and to get myself into good shape for the new role. But I just thought I'd end with a shout out to anyone who's been through this process and come out the other side feeling a bit battered. Unemployment, as it turns out, isn't much fun.